Sadly an uber-injunction stops Artvehicle outing the authors of Catedral of Shit this month. So what's to do? Flap pathetically around the edges of news like a limp tabloid, announcing majestically, and without irony, that all the answers can be found elsewhere? No, this editorial will embrace the challenge of non-news and look instead to the tawdry, attention-grabbing fluff.
Celebrity has gone hand in pocket with art for thousands of years now. Warhol capitalized on it relatively elegantly and definitely profitably in an interesting new manner just a few hundred years ago and although the subject becomes more and more clichéd, clumsy, obvious, dull and well-trodden there are still dollars to be made for the portrayal of the wealthy as beautiful.
Yes it's a rich vein, the rich vain, and if they don't buy it themselves there's always the blossoming stalker market. Marc Quinn made a nice metal Kate Moss with her legs behind her ears that would look great on a bedside-table. A quick scan of Ebay reveals 154 images of Kate Moss, that's 40 or so paintings, ranging from street-style Banksy tat to vast, painterly monochrome tat. The rest are almost naked prints and photos - laminated for your convenience. Catherine Moss is getting a bit last century now. So who are the 21st century icons that Stella Vine should be immortalising if she's after pushing the envelope?
The true products of the age must surely be the likes of 'Lotto lout' Michael Carroll, Paris Hilton and thieving butler, Paul Burrell. Katie Price got interesting when she moved into dressage and became the unlikely new poster girl for Class War, but that didn't last.
Sadly Michael had now spanked his cash and is back on the dole. You can be sure he'd have stumped up for a huge, gold portrait of himself to hoover lines off. Paris loves a bit of self-promotion and something classy by some real artists would be a great legacy and something to hide the safe behind. Ebay has JUST ONE painting of Paris and it's ONLY £10. The seller tells us that: THESE PAINTINGS ARE WORTH A LOT MORE THAN THE PRICE YOU PAY, which is great news for the secondary market.
Paul though could be the real money spinner. In 2007, he started promoting Royal Butler wine, an affordable luxury brand then selling for £6 per bottle, so he should be good for a few quid. Sadly I can't find it on any current websites so maybe it's no longer available. The good news is that there are NO paintings of him on Ebay. Not even by d-r-kirby, and he has 100's of oil paintings going on eBay, all good subject matter and great quality.
So to your subscriptions to Artforum, Freize and Artist Newsletter it's time to add More! Chat! Hearsay! Rumour! and Tittle-Tattle! It all for research; Look!! Page 93 - Cellulite on Clarkson's Arse - Is this a symptom of his problematic capsule collection for What She Wants?. Rumour has it that even popular consumer magazine Which is entering the market with its balanced opinion version titled Whichhunt!!